MARVELLING at the wisdom of #Yoga and the #healingpowers of our body thanks to #FierceGrace

I am in my eighth year of hot Yoga. And I have been doing it for sure twice a week on average. Often more, once even the 30-day challenge. And I can guarantee that I always come out feeling better than when I walk into the hot studio in Queens Crescent. I’ve tried the one in the City and Primrose Hill, besides the one in Berlin, but who cares what the surroundings are. What matters is the heat, the wisdom of the postures and the style of the trainer that is hopefully agreeable to your own nature.

Tonight I felt as rotten as possible. But it was maybe the Italian white-haired lady in the bus who asked about my wonderful walking sticks and suggested that I should invoke my ‘healing energies’. Or else it was the oodles of yawns that got rid of stress that had settled down in my lungs. Or maybe it was simply time for me to heal and come closer to the promise of this dream of two years ago: at the end of the summer you will be pain free. Which summer, I keep wondering?

Well, I was FAR from pain free during today’s class. In fact, I was ‘marvelling’ at the way in which my body could make itself known to me through sensations that can only be called painful. But it is REPAIRING itself! Why should it not hurt, when the whole left leg has to turn itself more and more towards its inside? Hip, thigh, knee, ankle and foot. Joints, muscles, tendons and ligaments. Everything move, all together, please!  (more…)


Opening Hips and Shoulders with Fierce Grace – to heal the trauma of my accident

It was not a very professional transition from the one and only Bikram class with 26 postures to five different classes with lots of new postures in a number of variations.

Re-branding Bikram into Fierce Grace meant teaching trainers and students.

For my dislocated hip and its effects on the rest of my body, it was god sent despite all the hiccups: the Bikram postures could have turned me into a good footballer. Fierce Grace might make a dancer out of me… 🙂

In other words: there’s a lot more to stretch in the hip area that has never been stretched before so that the left hip resembles the right one! As a result, I can’t walk without sticks. But I am convinced that this, too, will pass and that I will come out with a healed hip. The question is when!

10 days ago, the Yoga class inspired me to do for myself what I have done for so many victims of white collar crimes: write a one-page summary.  (more…)

STARTING a new 7-year-Cycle of re-locating a dis-located hip

Schematic Examples of CNS Structural Changes i...

Schematic Examples of CNS Structural Changes in chronic pain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Emma is one of the senior teachers who has accompanied my odyssey since I started Bikram Yoga in 2005. Yesterday I asked her to watch my ‘general mess’, as I’m soo emotional about going to Geneva to celebrate 50 years of Computing @ CERN – where the web was born – my then employer who sent me to Lawrence Radiation Lab. But on the way, the driver, a physicist friend of mine, fell asleep and we fell 24 feet down the motorway…

Taking stock must take place on a number of levels:

The dislocated hip:

  • it feels as if the fine re-location keeps going on, and I only noticed that since about a year;
  • it was only through Bikram Yoga that I became aware of how my body had accommodated for the dislocation;
  • only through Bikram have I experienced the re-alignment that had become necessary and that includes both knees badly!


  • a LOT better, but still often enough bad enough, when every step and both hips hurt in bed;
  • who would have thought that my right arm and shoulder need to hurt these days – to realign everything else,  while relocating my left hip?

Physical well-being:

  • TERRIFIC: instead of ageing, I at least stopped the process, if I haven’t reversed it, counting the number of grey hair.

Mental well-being:

  • those 90 minutes of moving meditation are priceless, in terms of allowing ‘stuff’ to come up and let go.

All in all, I can only count my blessings. But: do I kid myself, maybe? Is there more emotional pain that is waiting to be released? After all, my life has been far from easy with 40 years of chronic pain. But who said it would be a rose garden?

Still. There are soo many people whose lives are soo much harder… I shall keep enjoying mine as much as I possibly can!

Towards Christmas 2012 and the New 2013: personal is professional and political

12 12 10 ChristmasBikram Yoga continues to be at the core of my activities. But the stillness while the heart is beating in between postures is not enough to make sense of the world I see from my experiences.

I need more time for reflection and expression of thoughts and feelings, as Christmas is approaching. What a blessing that the web offers us everything we’d ever might have wished to find in a library – right now, right in my laptop.

There is a brilliant 2-minute history of our planet, mankind and where we’re at on this video. And a remarkable Shift Happens about where technology may take us…


The Difference between Who You Are and Who You’d Like to Be is What You Do!

Trainer Elizabeth dropped these words of wisdom at the end of yesterday’s class:

The Difference between Who You Are and Who You’d Like to Be is What You Do!

Yes, being is doing. Love is Action. Sitting around doing nothing doesn’t change us and certainly doesn’t turn us into ‘nice’ people.

Sibel on the day before said

“We’re better people for it: we have more to give. We have more patience.”


Major ‘software changes’ after 7 years of ‘hardware’ re-alignment

In body terms, hardware means: spine, skeleton and bones. Software means: muscles, tendons and ligaments.

My first seven years of Bikram Yoga resulted in

  • generally feeling ‘loose’ around the joints, especially the shoulders
  • strengthening the muscles around the back, so that its painful feelings of brittleness turned into some flexibility and certainly strength
  • noticing serious improvements regarding what I could do with my left leg: whether it’s getting dressed or in Yoga positions
  • observing how my left hip gradually seemed to get ‘set’ in new micro-ways, as if before it wasn’t quite in the right place.

But now I spent five weeks clearing out my mum’s household which obviously was more than just 26 postures in a hot room… Once I was so exhausted that I went to bed before 8pm and slept for 8 hours…

Now I’m back in London and noticed during my first Yoga session

  • how exhausted I am for I felt like fainting
  • how painful my left leg is so that I actually limp most of the time
  • how I can hardly make certain movements that used not to be a problem.

Hence I have decided to commit myself to coming twice a week, until I am ‘back to normal’ again. In Berlin I always could do more, for the studio is never as hot. But in London I certainly should be able to do a lot more than I did today.

Above all else I KNOW that, one fine day, the left side will be like the right side. I just hope it’ll be before I leave my body altogether! But if not, at least I’ve tried – with the ONLY method that offers me that promise!

Thoughts about physical, emotional and mental pains

I never know what thoughts and feelings come up during Bikram sessions. Initially, I used to cry for months, mainly because I was reminded of ‘ancient’ pains, of emotional, physical and financial types…

More recently, I seem to think about things that come to the surface from the ‘bottom of my mind’ thanks to the stressful ‘asanas’, i.e. body postures.

Today my grievances with CERN bubbled up. For I have to face that lawyer who claims that “it is now not possible to claim damages from either CERN or AUSTRIA”, the then health insurance company”.

Tough, eh: first the doctor(s), then the lawyer(s) who are giving me a hard time – as if they were responsible for the money that should have been paid to me…

My current doctor said it was a “swindle” when the then doctor said I would not suffer in old age from the accident. At the time, he was speculating. He could be neither right or wrong.

Now, I am PROVING that he was wrong. Americans have invented “Legal Abuse Syndrome” as a special kind of “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder“, which counts as a kind of disability!

But for now I can only think about some headlines:

  • CERN refuses basic human rights to former employee…
  • CERN doctors and lawyers make their own rules and laws…
  • CERN where the web was born has to suffer from bad web publicity…
Published in: Uncategorized on January 19, 2011 at 9:15 pm  Comments (2)  
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The Greatest Transformational Technique

Bikram Yoga has become for me the greatest transformational technique I have come across. By repeating the same set of 26 exercises every time, but in a hot room, I have managed to reach what no other therapy has touched: the chronic pains caused by an accident that traumatised my spine and dislocated my hip.

Balancing strength and flexibility while exerting yourself in the heat means uniting mind, body and spirit in a way that differs radically from everything I’ve done so far in terms of healing mental, emotional and spiritual splits.

For weeks I used to cry remembering ancient pains and experiences related to the accident that caused me to leave my highly paid and taxfree job at the European Centre for Nuclear Research (CERN) in Geneva. For months I used to go nearly compulsively virtually every day, because I was fascinated by watching my progress from class to class and in between: when walking and getting dressed, when turning in bed and going up and down stairs, when expecting pain and feeling different sensations instead.

I have relived agonies and hours of painfree existence. I have remembered the doctors who told me that my pain was psychological and the driver who had fallen asleep at the time and who ignored my letters and emails 20 years later.

And I keep watching my breath, no matter how hot the room, no matter how hard the exercise, no matter where I am between the standing and the balancing poses. For as long as I breathe, I am alive. But there are many ways of being alive. Bikram Yoga enables you to be alive YOUR way!

Published in: on March 7, 2006 at 3:58 am  Leave a Comment  
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