A Symphony of Variations on the Theme of Pain and Suffering

“Much of your pain is self-chosen,” says Kahlil Gibran in his marvellous book The Prophet.
“Your pain is psychological,” doctors said again and again, ever since that accident in 1973…

And what do I think?
I can call it ‘fascinating’ how my body is inventive at creating pains.
I can call it ‘amazing’ how I never know where what will hurt when I walk or move.
And it does not matter what I call it. For it just hurts. This way and that way, here and there.

What have I been learning?
It began with minimising the number of steps, when I was walking with crutches.
It continued with the search for ‘remedies’ and alternatives, physical, psychological and energetic.

And it is an eternal path of self-awareness that has opened:

  • who am I who is hurting?
  • what is pain, if not the other extreme of pleasure?
  • how far do I go to avoid hurt?
  • what happened when I ‘overdid’ it?
  • why did I not know my limits of endurance?

Because my body is as open-ended as Life is.  (more…)

Published in: on May 30, 2016 at 12:16 am  Leave a Comment  

Heal Thyself with #HotYoga and #PelvicCorrection after 42 Years of Pain ‘Management’

Yes, it’s over 42 years since January 1973 when I remembered falling and thinking ‘this must be the end, this must be the ocean.

Well, eventually I discovered the ‘cosmic ocean‘ as the reality that holds and embeds us, the invisible worlds of energies that physics can’t unite between nuclear and astral scales.

And my invention of analysing images in a new way will lead to making pain visible! I just wonder when the wisdom of the universe will want that to come out. Meanwhile, I keep trying and kicking…

Especially after doctors told me that my pain is ‘psychological’, I’ve made the rounds in search of pain relief. But pains are only SYMPTOMS. What matters is to find the CAUSES.

Mis-alignment is an ‘obvious’ cause that I discovered thanks to what was first Bikram Yoga and became Fierce Grace in North London. Since I had to flee UK jurisdiction in February this year, I had the opportunity to practise the 26 Bikram postures in Berlin again. Back in London, I was arrested by Police since I had blown the whistle on the worst of all child abuse cases. That shock and trauma of 10 hours threw me back big time!  (more…)

MARVELLING at the wisdom of #Yoga and the #healingpowers of our body thanks to #FierceGrace

I am in my eighth year of hot Yoga. And I have been doing it for sure twice a week on average. Often more, once even the 30-day challenge. And I can guarantee that I always come out feeling better than when I walk into the hot studio in Queens Crescent. I’ve tried the one in the City and Primrose Hill, besides the one in Berlin, but who cares what the surroundings are. What matters is the heat, the wisdom of the postures and the style of the trainer that is hopefully agreeable to your own nature.

Tonight I felt as rotten as possible. But it was maybe the Italian white-haired lady in the bus who asked about my wonderful walking sticks and suggested that I should invoke my ‘healing energies’. Or else it was the oodles of yawns that got rid of stress that had settled down in my lungs. Or maybe it was simply time for me to heal and come closer to the promise of this dream of two years ago: at the end of the summer you will be pain free. Which summer, I keep wondering?

Well, I was FAR from pain free during today’s class. In fact, I was ‘marvelling’ at the way in which my body could make itself known to me through sensations that can only be called painful. But it is REPAIRING itself! Why should it not hurt, when the whole left leg has to turn itself more and more towards its inside? Hip, thigh, knee, ankle and foot. Joints, muscles, tendons and ligaments. Everything move, all together, please!  (more…)

HOW TO Turn Pain into Pleasure? With YogaBabies!

In my recent Yoga practice I have had major highs, feeling like a million Bradburys, thinking that only your body can let you feel such pinnacles of pleasure.

However, I have also felt more acute pains during my practice than before.

And when I was moaning, whining and complaining about this to my inner monitor, this lovely trainer Kate Comer seems to have sensed it. For she came during one of the exercises and stretched my back. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Why? Because, it was one of these rare occasions where somebody could relate to my experience and acknowledge it in a soothing way… She also acknowledged this ‘opportunity for letting things come up and go’ when closing the session. It’s ‘nice’ to feel acknowledged, for it’s tough to live with the presence of pain for 40 years, I can assure you.

But when I saw Kate again yesterday, she suggested to call it ‘sensation’ – i.e. take the ‘sting’ out of ‘pain’. She has acquired this experience through Yoga and the birth of her own two babies. Hence she is now passing her knowledge on by teaching classes for Yoga Babies.

I just wish that not only women learned about giving birth with more awareness but also men and women when they make love. Conscious conception is an art never taught in the West. In the East, however, we know of not only the Art of Tantra but also the Tao of Sex!

What is it with this Western male analytical mind that domineered for two millennia? Well, it’s just called evolution of humanity and planet in one universe. Remember: Yoga means unity, unison, oneness…

And in the Western mindset of mathematics I discovered this in terms of time, space and measuring. But that’s going to be another blog post.

STARTING a new 7-year-Cycle of re-locating a dis-located hip

Schematic Examples of CNS Structural Changes i...

Schematic Examples of CNS Structural Changes in chronic pain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Emma is one of the senior teachers who has accompanied my odyssey since I started Bikram Yoga in 2005. Yesterday I asked her to watch my ‘general mess’, as I’m soo emotional about going to Geneva to celebrate 50 years of Computing @ CERN – where the web was born – my then employer who sent me to Lawrence Radiation Lab. But on the way, the driver, a physicist friend of mine, fell asleep and we fell 24 feet down the motorway…

Taking stock must take place on a number of levels:

The dislocated hip:

  • it feels as if the fine re-location keeps going on, and I only noticed that since about a year;
  • it was only through Bikram Yoga that I became aware of how my body had accommodated for the dislocation;
  • only through Bikram have I experienced the re-alignment that had become necessary and that includes both knees badly!


  • a LOT better, but still often enough bad enough, when every step and both hips hurt in bed;
  • who would have thought that my right arm and shoulder need to hurt these days – to realign everything else,  while relocating my left hip?

Physical well-being:

  • TERRIFIC: instead of ageing, I at least stopped the process, if I haven’t reversed it, counting the number of grey hair.

Mental well-being:

  • those 90 minutes of moving meditation are priceless, in terms of allowing ‘stuff’ to come up and let go.

All in all, I can only count my blessings. But: do I kid myself, maybe? Is there more emotional pain that is waiting to be released? After all, my life has been far from easy with 40 years of chronic pain. But who said it would be a rose garden?

Still. There are soo many people whose lives are soo much harder… I shall keep enjoying mine as much as I possibly can!

Miraculous healing from the inside out, bone to the skin: first spine, then muscles

In Search of the Miraculous (album)


Thanks to utter commitment and devoted perseverance, I’m getting there: my left leg is improving from day to day, staircase to staircase and step to step.


When the heat is getting too tough, I’m now stretching it in Japanese seating style or other little ways encouraging it to become as ‘good’ as the right leg instead of exerting myself too much.


In the meantime I keep being amused at Emma’s formulation: “if your knees are not thrilled with this position”… No, my left knee is definitely not thrilled. BUT it is improving!!! In a number of different positions I notice how it is changing – always in the positive direction!


And you wouldn’t believe how much I can lift my legs now when I’m lying on my tummy. That says something about my ‘sleepy’ muscles in the back and how they’ve been waking up since April 2005!


It is truly amazing how my various improvements began with neck, lower back, spine, shoulders and only now extend to the outer muscles of the left leg. I feel the muscular connections with the knee, while my left bum is still very different from the right one.


And while Herr Lorenz Staempfli might feel good about having saved CERN’s insurance company from paying compensation to me, I shall keep going to the ‘torture room’, knowing I spend 90 minutes in a really worthwhile way, albeit tough, difficult and challenging!


Lack of money doesn’t hurt as much as physical pain, whether in the hip, back, knee or elsewhere in the body… I just wonder how long it will take for my software inventions to be heard, seen and used… Money would have enabled me to employ programmers. But it’s obviously meant to come in other mysterious, if not miraculous ways…



Four Years later

No, my left knee and hip are still not ‘ok’. And Kerry, who’s also a real regular, said the other day: it’ll probably be for life…

Well, I did have that fantasy of getting my body back into the shape of the 29-year-old who used to ski, play tennis, do acrobatics on horses and climb the Saleve mountain near Geneva.

But what is my progress? Let me count:

  1. I am stronger, fitter and distinctly more connected with the various limbs of my body
  2. Pain is effectively gone. Back pain completely. Every back bend is a miracle! However, as the hip joint keeps re-setting itself, I do experience the odd moments of discomfort reminding me of the agonies I’ve experienced.
  3. My shoulders are freeer than ever, while my legs are stronger than ever. Thus I walk so much better, and I can even run again! I’ve only tried up to the traffic lights, but still!
  4. Going down stairs is an ongoing test for progress, but all in all, I feel terrific when I’m out of that studio.
  5. Inside, I notice the shortcomings of knee and hip differently, depending on the posture. But progress keeps happening, which is why I continue: with love, zest, joy, commitment, perseverance and utter amazement and gratitude.
Published in: on March 24, 2009 at 1:10 pm  Comments (4)  
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35 Years after the accident

3.5 years after starting with Bikram Yoga and I KNOW I shall feel like I felt when I was 29 and it happened… My left hip and knee have made such progress! My spine is bendable again! I am virtually pain free and while regaining more and more functionality and flexibility, the real challenge is re-aligning my right and left side.

I am committed to Bikram Yoga until the end of my life. It energises me to do my work which is my life: the professional aspect is on 3D Metrics and the social aspect is on In the Spirit of the Forum for Stable Currencies.

From that followed the online petition Stop the Cash Crumble to Equalize the Credit Crunch.

Published in: on August 30, 2008 at 10:37 pm  Leave a Comment  

After 250 Classes

First of all, my spine feels flexible and ‘one piece’ instead of brittle and inflexible.

Secondly, my hip and knee continue to make the subtle progress and changes that come from this gradual re-adjustment and re-alignment on a cellular level.

Thirdly, I’ve lost that extra weight and I feel my body getting back to how it was when the accident happened 33 years ago, when I was 29.

This ‘therapeutic fitness training’ has changed my metabolism because my body has learned to sweat, my ‘yoga face’ because I’ve learned to enjoy suffering in a physical way – after crying for weeks over all the emotional suffering associated with this accident.

And I’ve become addicted to watching my progress: within each class from posture to posture, between classes when I expect pain but watch how my leg / hip ‘ back feel differently and in my overall feeling of embracing life with a body that is renewing itself – as its response to being ‘wound up’ during 26 postures in a hot room.

What an experience to share!

Published in: on September 22, 2006 at 8:02 am  Leave a Comment  

Between Experiences of Pleasure and Memories of Pain

It is rather difficult to convey the amazement that I experience every time I get dressed/undressed, I turn in bed, walk, sit down, go up and down stairs: all these normal and regular movements feel quite DIFFERENTLY after nearly 18 months of classes.

But it is easy to describe the joy that I feel every time I walk away from a class now: I used to envy the young people who seem to feel more energetic whereas I was exhausted for months – emotionally and physically. But for quite some time, I have been feeling happier and happier, during and after class.

I have lost my diamond ring in the studio, but I have found my joie de vivre in my BODY, not just in my spirit! And I am confident that I will feel the way I used to when the accident happened 33 years ago. I will also ski again – like at 28.

Reversing ageing is nothing compared to my experience of turning chronic pain into joy and pleasure. Sanjai even managed to get me to enjoy the Camel posture which is so hard and difficult for me. But now I smile just thinking of this new way of going only as far as my body ENJOYS leaning back!…

Published in: on September 4, 2006 at 6:53 pm  Comments (2)