A Symphony of Variations on the Theme of Pain and Suffering

“Much of your pain is self-chosen,” says Kahlil Gibran in his marvellous book The Prophet.
“Your pain is psychological,” doctors said again and again, ever since that accident in 1973…

And what do I think?
I can call it ‘fascinating’ how my body is inventive at creating pains.
I can call it ‘amazing’ how I never know where what will hurt when I walk or move.
And it does not matter what I call it. For it just hurts. This way and that way, here and there.

What have I been learning?
It began with minimising the number of steps, when I was walking with crutches.
It continued with the search for ‘remedies’ and alternatives, physical, psychological and energetic.

And it is an eternal path of self-awareness that has opened:

  • who am I who is hurting?
  • what is pain, if not the other extreme of pleasure?
  • how far do I go to avoid hurt?
  • what happened when I ‘overdid’ it?
  • why did I not know my limits of endurance?

Because my body is as open-ended as Life is.  (more…)

Advertisements
Published in: on May 30, 2016 at 12:16 am  Leave a Comment  

#GoFGYourself @FierceGraceYoga From Bikram to FierceGrace: starting my 10th Year of Hot Yoga

“Your leg has not been in the right place, ever since your hip was dislocated.” That’s how my specialised pelvis therapist Alexander Barrie described recently what I have painfully sensed, ever since 1973.

Queens Crescent has been my preferred studio, since I discovered it 10 years ago. Hence I experienced the transition from Bikram to Fierce Grace. It felt as if Bikram turned me into a good footballer, but FG into a better dancer.

Last year I had traumatic reasons for being in Berlin: I needed to flee from prosecution and imprisonment in a secret family court, after I exposed the worst of all child abuse cases. Hence I could go back to doing Bikram for nearly six months.

Here I enjoy the variety of the classes and am proud to be able to do them all, whenever I feel strong enough. At least once, hopefully twice a week. But when I started, I even did the 30-day challenge and Emma gave me an orange Yoga mat.

I shall never forgot how virtually every class ended in tears for the first six months. I got in touch with the emotional pain that surrounds my chronic physical pain:  (more…)

Published in: on May 8, 2016 at 10:31 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

Heal Thyself with #HotYoga and #PelvicCorrection after 42 Years of Pain ‘Management’

Yes, it’s over 42 years since January 1973 when I remembered falling and thinking ‘this must be the end, this must be the ocean.

Well, eventually I discovered the ‘cosmic ocean‘ as the reality that holds and embeds us, the invisible worlds of energies that physics can’t unite between nuclear and astral scales.

And my invention of analysing images in a new way will lead to making pain visible! I just wonder when the wisdom of the universe will want that to come out. Meanwhile, I keep trying and kicking…

Especially after doctors told me that my pain is ‘psychological’, I’ve made the rounds in search of pain relief. But pains are only SYMPTOMS. What matters is to find the CAUSES.

Mis-alignment is an ‘obvious’ cause that I discovered thanks to what was first Bikram Yoga and became Fierce Grace in North London. Since I had to flee UK jurisdiction in February this year, I had the opportunity to practise the 26 Bikram postures in Berlin again. Back in London, I was arrested by Police since I had blown the whistle on the worst of all child abuse cases. That shock and trauma of 10 hours threw me back big time!  (more…)

LIVING WITH PAIN – a permanent exercise in Body Awareness

Awareness is a challenging phenomenon, methinks. I put it into ‘3D’ as many of my philosophical thoughts and scientific concepts:

  • awareness of Self, Other and the Universe,
  • and of Body, Mind and Spirit in ourselves.

Over time, awareness becomes consciousness. This consciousness is our eternal self that chooses our life before we are born, as Hermann Hesse writes so beautifully in The Life that I once chose for myself.

In body, mind and spirit, awareness oscillates between observing pain and pleasure, struggle and excitement, anguish and inspiration.

Physical pain has been my permanent reminder since January 1973. One of its ‘accompaniments’ has been that pain is invisible. But people ‘believe’ it when I use crutches, or lately walking sticks.

But unless people have experienced pain themselves, it seems hard to imagine what it feels like to be nerved by pain, to anticipate it, to be reminded by the many places in the body than can hurt…

Do we need a life of pain to feel and BE alive? It seems so. My wonderful friend Belinda McKenzie was given a poem by her Iranian husband that children are taught about life being a battle field.

Maybe what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger no matter by whatever pain!?… This wonderful article reminds us that it helps us add deeper meaning to our life!

SCHMERZ – German for Pain – by Hermann Hesse: Suffering for a Higher Purpose?

It is another remarkable poem by Hermann Hesse, the philosopher and author of Siddharta, The Glass Bead Game and many other important and beautiful novels: Schmerz – about the way that Pain treats us.

I have been living with physical pain since 1973. Every day. Since last autumn, I have also been experiencing serious emotional pain in the best possible love relationship which has now come to an abrupt end. Hence I am looking for solace and found his poem about pain.

A supporter of the Hampstead Scandal offered me the introduction to this pelvis alignment expert as reasons for hope to ending pain and this translation for accepting suffering for a higher purpose:

S C H M E R Z – P A I N

Schmerz ist ein Meister, der uns klein macht,

Pain is a Master, who makes us small,

Ein Feuer, das uns ärmer brennt,

A fire that burns down our human home,

Das uns vom eigenen Leben trennt,

That leaves us with no worldly life, at all,

Das uns umlodert und allein macht.

Blazing on the burning ground alone.

Weisheit und Liebe werden klein,

His wisdom and love appear the same,

Trost wird und Hoffnung dünn und flüchtig;

Offering small comfort and fragile hope,

Schmerz liebt uns wild und eifersüchtig,

While suffering such thin and jealous attention,

Wir schmelzen hin und werden Sein.

Melting the wild mind under His telescope.

Es krümmt die irdne Form, das Ich,

He bends the reluctant ego, seeking a bargain,

Und weht und sträubt sich in den Flammen.

And blows upon it, in the blazing flames, anew.

Dann sinkt sie still in Staub zusammen

Then falling together in its holy ash, He will maintain

Und überläßt dem Meister sich.

That, in the end, you will become a Master too.

Translated by Alan Collins.
Friday, 21st August, 2015.

As a result, I formulated:

To accept suffering for a higher purpose, means turning

  • grief into joy
  • pain into power
  • and hurt into self-love.

Easier said in poetry than done in real life…

Published in: on August 31, 2015 at 2:13 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

SACRIFICE means to make sacred – like Prometheus stealing the fire: re-discovering Bikram after Fierce Grace

I fled the UK Police and London on 11 February to be in Berlin. That means doing ‘classical Bikram’ rather than Fierce Grace. I find it fascinating to notice the difference in the ENERGETIC realm, besides the PHYSICAL experience.

Hot Yoga remains my ‘spiritual refuge’ and I kept crying when mentioning my situation, but I keep challenging myself physically in the positions and energetically by resting or not, so that I can live with my outer situation:

  • I will only be able to go back to the UK, once we’ve won Private Prosecutions and Civil Claims.
  • I may have to ask friends and / or commission a company to pack and store my belongings.
  • A private pilot told me that I would be arrested at any airport – treated as a ‘terrorist’.

‘Uncovering the genius within’ is one of the messages in this video as a ‘sign of our times’.

We have to make sacred something within ourselves.

Where there’s fear, there is power.

What it takes to develop trust… It only comes through intimacy…

‘The rule of our fathers’ is crackling. SYNARCHY is the alternative to patriarchy and matriarchy. The term was coined by the remarkable Rowena Pattee Kryder:

  • social harmony‘ thanks to the JOINT hierarchy between humanity and technology!

This video focuses on the political analysis of our special times and it matches my understanding big time:

MARVELLING at the wisdom of #Yoga and the #healingpowers of our body thanks to #FierceGrace

I am in my eighth year of hot Yoga. And I have been doing it for sure twice a week on average. Often more, once even the 30-day challenge. And I can guarantee that I always come out feeling better than when I walk into the hot studio in Queens Crescent. I’ve tried the one in the City and Primrose Hill, besides the one in Berlin, but who cares what the surroundings are. What matters is the heat, the wisdom of the postures and the style of the trainer that is hopefully agreeable to your own nature.

Tonight I felt as rotten as possible. But it was maybe the Italian white-haired lady in the bus who asked about my wonderful walking sticks and suggested that I should invoke my ‘healing energies’. Or else it was the oodles of yawns that got rid of stress that had settled down in my lungs. Or maybe it was simply time for me to heal and come closer to the promise of this dream of two years ago: at the end of the summer you will be pain free. Which summer, I keep wondering?

Well, I was FAR from pain free during today’s class. In fact, I was ‘marvelling’ at the way in which my body could make itself known to me through sensations that can only be called painful. But it is REPAIRING itself! Why should it not hurt, when the whole left leg has to turn itself more and more towards its inside? Hip, thigh, knee, ankle and foot. Joints, muscles, tendons and ligaments. Everything move, all together, please!  (more…)

Opening Hips and Shoulders with Fierce Grace – to heal the trauma of my accident

It was not a very professional transition from the one and only Bikram class with 26 postures to five different classes with lots of new postures in a number of variations.

Re-branding Bikram into Fierce Grace meant teaching trainers and students.

For my dislocated hip and its effects on the rest of my body, it was god sent despite all the hiccups: the Bikram postures could have turned me into a good footballer. Fierce Grace might make a dancer out of me… 🙂

In other words: there’s a lot more to stretch in the hip area that has never been stretched before so that the left hip resembles the right one! As a result, I can’t walk without sticks. But I am convinced that this, too, will pass and that I will come out with a healed hip. The question is when!

10 days ago, the Yoga class inspired me to do for myself what I have done for so many victims of white collar crimes: write a one-page summary.  (more…)

HOW TO Turn Pain into Pleasure? With YogaBabies!

In my recent Yoga practice I have had major highs, feeling like a million Bradburys, thinking that only your body can let you feel such pinnacles of pleasure.

However, I have also felt more acute pains during my practice than before.

And when I was moaning, whining and complaining about this to my inner monitor, this lovely trainer Kate Comer seems to have sensed it. For she came during one of the exercises and stretched my back. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Why? Because, it was one of these rare occasions where somebody could relate to my experience and acknowledge it in a soothing way… She also acknowledged this ‘opportunity for letting things come up and go’ when closing the session. It’s ‘nice’ to feel acknowledged, for it’s tough to live with the presence of pain for 40 years, I can assure you.

But when I saw Kate again yesterday, she suggested to call it ‘sensation’ – i.e. take the ‘sting’ out of ‘pain’. She has acquired this experience through Yoga and the birth of her own two babies. Hence she is now passing her knowledge on by teaching classes for Yoga Babies.

I just wish that not only women learned about giving birth with more awareness but also men and women when they make love. Conscious conception is an art never taught in the West. In the East, however, we know of not only the Art of Tantra but also the Tao of Sex!

What is it with this Western male analytical mind that domineered for two millennia? Well, it’s just called evolution of humanity and planet in one universe. Remember: Yoga means unity, unison, oneness…

And in the Western mindset of mathematics I discovered this in terms of time, space and measuring. But that’s going to be another blog post.

STARTING a new 7-year-Cycle of re-locating a dis-located hip

Schematic Examples of CNS Structural Changes i...

Schematic Examples of CNS Structural Changes in chronic pain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Emma is one of the senior teachers who has accompanied my odyssey since I started Bikram Yoga in 2005. Yesterday I asked her to watch my ‘general mess’, as I’m soo emotional about going to Geneva to celebrate 50 years of Computing @ CERN – where the web was born – my then employer who sent me to Lawrence Radiation Lab. But on the way, the driver, a physicist friend of mine, fell asleep and we fell 24 feet down the motorway…

Taking stock must take place on a number of levels:

The dislocated hip:

  • it feels as if the fine re-location keeps going on, and I only noticed that since about a year;
  • it was only through Bikram Yoga that I became aware of how my body had accommodated for the dislocation;
  • only through Bikram have I experienced the re-alignment that had become necessary and that includes both knees badly!

Pain: 

  • a LOT better, but still often enough bad enough, when every step and both hips hurt in bed;
  • who would have thought that my right arm and shoulder need to hurt these days – to realign everything else,  while relocating my left hip?

Physical well-being:

  • TERRIFIC: instead of ageing, I at least stopped the process, if I haven’t reversed it, counting the number of grey hair.

Mental well-being:

  • those 90 minutes of moving meditation are priceless, in terms of allowing ‘stuff’ to come up and let go.

All in all, I can only count my blessings. But: do I kid myself, maybe? Is there more emotional pain that is waiting to be released? After all, my life has been far from easy with 40 years of chronic pain. But who said it would be a rose garden?

Still. There are soo many people whose lives are soo much harder… I shall keep enjoying mine as much as I possibly can!