Pain – the invisible disability – physical, emotional, mental or “psychological”…

Your pains are “psychological” – that’s what doctors used to say, instead of admitting that they were at their wits’ end… All they were interested in is the mobility of the hip, and I wished that I could make pain visible!

Hardly did I know that this wish should become true! But, the world can’t see yet that and how I can make pain visible by re-visualizing digital images. My prototype software would have to be tuned for particular images from particular imaging technologies to be used for that purpose. But that is one of the possible applications indeed!

Yet a CERN doctor had said “I would NOT suffer in old age”; that’s what saved CERN’s insurance company from having to pay a disability pension. Nobody should be allowed to say anything about ageing unless they are older than 65 themselves!

I was 35. Naive, trusting, hopeful, especially after I had discovered that I was not a “psychological case”… For I had studied psychology: humanistic, transpersonal and evolutionary. Cutting edge import from California. After Vienna, Argentina became the country of analysis. But Fritz Perls and others went to California.

Kahlil Gibran writes “Much of your pain is self-chosen.” But that is emotional and mental pain that comes from sad thoughts and anguished thinking. For thoughts create feelings indeed.

But once a hip was dislocated and the joint was torn by strong men to put it back into place, lots of muscles, tendons and ligaments were torn. Walking on crutches made life somewhat easy for a while. But sitting was impossible for years. Only on hard surfaces. In cinemas and theatres I sat on stairs.

No more skiing, tennis, acrobatics on horses (voltige), Judo…

Just swimming and Yoga and eventually cycling and sailing. But no weight on the hip. And no standing for more than ten seconds.

My back was dreadful. I went to chiropractors and physiotherapists. I went to a sports hospital where 25% less muscle in the left thigh were measured.

But the CERN lawyer writes: no incapacity was found to have resulted from the accident.

The NHS doctors in London admitted to it. I was paid ‘incapacity benefits’. But the CERN lawyer knows better. He gets paid for NOT getting anybody to pay out.

There is acute pain and there is the memory and the expectation of pain. There are limits to painfulness and there are the delights of noticing when it stops to hurt.

There is ‘ancient pain’ and there are new aches and pains, especially as I gradually realign my hip and everything it is embedded in. Especially the knee.

But the CERN lawyer writes: no incapacity was found to have resulted from the accident.

What can I do? What must I do because I owe it to myself to do justice to myself?

My physical pains are causing tears. Is that “psychological” rather than “medical”? What’s the point of calling it different names? It hurts. It’s not pleasant. It hurts again and again and again. In different places. In different shades, colours and intensities. But I don’t moan. A great psychologist said once “there are two types of people who’ve had an accident: those who suffer more than necessary and those who suffer less.” I knew immediately that I belonged to the second group. I never ‘showed off’ with my pain. I did NOT wear my crutch with pride.

But adding feelings of injustice and helplessness doesn’t help. Whether to quantify the degree of incapacity for the NHS or the PRINCIPLE of unfair “statutory procedures” by CERN, my employer who sent me to California where I had the accident – as passenger… The driver was a CERN physicist, a friend who felt too guilty to do the right thing…

Just as all those victims of financial exploitation and legal oppression I’m publishing about: I feel alone, helpless, powerless.

What can I do NOT to be a victim of the CERN lawyer?

Is my hip hurting now to tell me NOT to give in and up?

Do I need to wait until CERN will want to make use of my software?

Dear Universe, please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Published in: on April 20, 2011 at 9:32 pm  Leave a Comment  
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